My life has been pretty good so far. I can’t really complain about much. I have both of my parents, I have a lot of friends, I have many talents, I’m single and pretty much free to do whatever I please, and most importantly I am saved and can say confidently that I know Jesus. Though my life is pretty good, I have a few struggles which I need prayer for and help with.
Most of my struggles are internal rather than external.
For instance, I have many moments where I feel depression and emptiness, and sometimes I deal with a bit of “chronophobia.” I have a bit of fear and a sense of negative, overwhelming, exhaustion when I think about the future and what’s in store for me, as well as my relationships, and where I’m going to be in the world financially, spiritually, etc. The passing of time has undertones of things such as change and death. Things get old and then wither away. That’s just how life works in this fallen world. I’ll just have learn to trust the Lord more in this area, so prayer for my lack of faith would be appreciated. It’s honestly a struggle knowing that I have this awesome, loving, God on my side who holds reality (including my life) in His hands and having the words of Jesus in Matthew 6 and Paul’s assurance of God’s well-intent in Romans 8:28, and countless examples of God’s faithfulness in my life and in the Scriptures and still doubting Him.
Then there’s the singleness. Singleness can be (and is) such a blessing… but why does it feel like a curse? It seems like every girl that I show interest for is disgusted and repulsed by the idea of being with me or simply has no attraction to me. Deep inside, I know my worth. I know that having a woman by my side doesn’t determine how much I am worth and my singles doesn’t define me. I know that my life is worth more than my relationship status and that even though I am rejected often, I am a good man (as far as worldly standards go and in the sense that I will properly care for and love my partner and faithfully fulfill my duties— and honestly they are missing out— [insert laughter]) and that I am not ugly… however it doesn’t mean that negative thoughts about dating don’t grip hold of my thoughts and floor my confidence. I struggle with thoughts filled with insecurities and it’s an internal battle that sometimes leads to depression and I begin to question my knowledge. Mundane thoughts writhe in the back of my mind, “Am I ugly?” “Will I be alone forever?” “Why can’t they see the good in me?” “What am I doing wrong?” “Why does no one that I have interest in show any interest in me?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Is having affection for me a burden?” “Why does everyone that I get close to being with abandon me?” I talk about relationships a lot because this is something that honestly stresses me out at times, as a 20 year old nearing his final years of college. I’m not a victim and I don’t hate women (they don’t owe me anything and I appreciate and love my sisters in Christ), but I am a fighter who deals with an internal battle for my confidence and I don’t know if I’m winning or losing. In the midst of this battle is a violent battle with lust and heartache that rages on almost everyday. This is something that I also need prayer for.
Then there’s my walk with Lord and my personal holiness. I feel that my spiritual walk with the Lord has been on a decline. I’m figuring out where I am theologically and there are so many things that go on in my head that I am overwhelmed with thoughts and I don’t know what decisions to make with my faith (I am an ardent over thinker by the way) and sometimes simple situations turn into a dilemma. My mind is a place of constant (often complex) dialogue and it almost never stops. Often I cannot find rest within myself (which is why I turn to expression to release a lot of tension) and I want to lean on the Lord fully, but sometimes it’s hard… not because it is, but because I make it hard. I need prayer in this area too.
The Christian life never promised that I would never have difficulty, and lately I’ve been struggling with trying have that “peace that surpasses understanding.” When I was first born-again it was easier, but as time passes things seem to get more and more difficult (especially with other things such as academics and confusion as to what I want to do and what my place is in the world). I know that there are things that I need to cut out of my life and things that I need to clean up and organize and things that I need to carry to the Lord and things that I need to learn and understand/consider about the Lord (such as His endless love), and I would appreciate prayer and motivation in these areas.
Oh Lord, may I press on to the goal and run this race set before me.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.”
Thank you for reading sincerely,